Quotes from Jarod Kintz

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It's not cigarette smoke, but I'd understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

It's absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.

If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn's horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That's how I knew she really loved me.

A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase hurry up and wait.

She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I'd like to make love to.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don't get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can't believe her, even if I could believe her.

I'm not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I'm dyeing my hair tonight.

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.

We can't be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you're a lady, and I'm a gentleman, I'll shave mine off.

To Do Today, 1/17/08 1. Sit and think 2. Reach enlightenment 3. Feed the cats

I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don't.

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.

If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.

I am the Love Cactus. Make desert to me.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I'd love nothing more than to drink it.

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.

If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).