Quotes from Jarod Kintz

Love is the jelly to sunshine's peanut butter. And if I tell you that I'm in sandwich with you, I'm not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.

If I told you I've worked hard to get where I'm at, I'd be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the late" so and so. I'm sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn't just late—they're not even coming!

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.

In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn't good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I've never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don't work there, I tell them I'd like to. But not today, as I'm sick.

I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.

I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don't think my bathtub can hold that many people.

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I'd be OK.

In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around to propose to her.

Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It'll be a great conversation starter.

Love one person at a time, that's the motto I'll try to get my clones to live by.

With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them.

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can't water down water. I'm like that with love, too. Don't you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I'm trying to pour all over you.

I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I'm too tired to be me.

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.