Quotes from Jarod Kintz

I'm very close to my dad. He's about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

You tell me you love me, but I'm not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you'd use to shoot it down.

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I've never had the good.

It's scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it's simply called Job.

You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.

I'm not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I'd like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement

Consumerism has a religious day called Black Friday.

I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

My favorite color on canvas is nudity.

My girlfriend bought be a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I dont get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.

No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

I want to do something spontaneous, like combust.

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.

If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.

I dont like crude oil, because its so vulgar.

I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.

If I told you Ive worked hard to get where I'm at, I'd be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.