Quotes from Jarod Kintz

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. No, I've been feeling like my clone.

Love means never having to say you're sorry for a minor stab wound.

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage," and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, Thanks for being a fan." Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

Too bad Americans can't export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.

I want to write a book about shoes that's full of footnotes.

You can't put a price tag on love. But if you could, I'd wait for it to go on sale.

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

I wanted to tell her I love you" back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

I've always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, I'm sorry.

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can't make it today, as I have a doctor's appointment.

I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.

Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.