Quotes from Jarod Kintz

I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.

I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world's most perfect haiku.

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there's no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other's hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn't it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that's why he's number two.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I'm out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.

If I saw you hitchhiking, I'd smile and return your thumb's up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I'm still going on about her.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.

It's true, I can't make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.