Quotes from Jarod Kintz

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob.

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession." Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob

I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me F*** you." Then I'll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I'll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.

I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it.

I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.

[Y]ou can do it, even if you can't. Just keep can'ting until eventually you can.

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.

Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don't consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to reach any of my lady friends on the phone.

Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that's what being in love is all about.

Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I'm also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time.

The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.

The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn't really his type.

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars.