Quotes About Wit

A good old man, sir. He will be talking. As they say, when the age is in, the wit is out.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm as pure as the driven slush.

I'm a one-man idiot.

He must be the only man alive who can eat an apple through a tennis racket.

They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.

Some folks are wise and some otherwise.

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Weve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but dont know which way to sit on a lavatory.

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive...take her to the gas station.

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.