Quotes from Craig Ferguson

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you're parodying.

Sometimes people think you're smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.