Quotes from Craig Ferguson

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

Sometimes people think you're smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.

Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.