Quotes from Craig Ferguson

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place. She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn't keep in touch. They're probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) "Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you're parodying.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.