Quotes from Craig Ferguson

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.

Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.