Quotes from Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call.

Craig: 'When I used to drink, I binge drank…and I'm kind of like that with Doctor Who. I save up a lot of it on the DVR and then like I get my big scarf on and my hat and I stay at home and just watch them.' Neil Gaiman: 'You watch them, you wake up in the morning hating yourself and swearing to never do it again.' Craig: 'It's like you know me, man.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.

The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed

Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

I like to believe that there is an extra warm corner of hell for these fuckers who traffic in emotional misery.

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe....

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

Hey dawg, wassup?" he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment.

Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done till the gorilla's done.