Quotes from Craig Ferguson

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

If I have a near-beer, I'm near beer. And if I'm near beer, I'm close to tequila. And if I'm close to tequila, I'm adjacent to cocaine.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn't fashionable.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

I'm always a bit shy around evil people...

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.