Quotes from Craig Ferguson

Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

maybe fear is God's way of saying, Pay attention, this could be fun.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.