Quotes from Craig Ferguson

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.

It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving.

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life.