Quotes from Janet Evanovich

There was no expression to his face. He looked like he'd seen it all and didn't think much of it.

this long enough and you get to wishing he'd take a poop," Lula said. We got out of my SUV, and I hung cuffs from my back pocket and stuck a small canister of pepper spray in the other back pocket. Lula was wearing a poison green spandex

In my opinion, the only good spider is a dead spider, and woman's rights aren't worth dick if they mean I can't ask a man to do my bug squashing.

I think you should go shopping first. I like when you bring all that kinky stuff home.

My goodness," my mother said, reading the label. "It's a tenderloin." "I just got it in," Randy said. "It's corn-fed, and it's got real good marbling. I know everybody's always talking about grass-fed beef, but if you ask me it's shoe leather. Give me a cow that's been shoved into a pen with a thousand other cows and forced to eat grain, and I'll show you a darn good pot roast.

zombie, all you have to do is douse your shop in my stink spray.

My son never eats baloney. He says the stuff in baloney will kill you. I say when? I've got cataracts, high blood pressure, enlarged prostate, skin cancer, hemorrhoids, an artificial hip, false teeth, and gas. Every day I take eleven different pills and a stool softener. And now I'm supposed to worry about baloney.

It's because my regular girl, Shanesha, left the salon and when I went in just now, I had to get my hair done by the new girl, Amy. I just don't think anyone named Amy could understand my hair needs.

My mother started as soon as I hit the front porch. Every time I see you, you look worse and worse.

It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don't slow down for anything.

I'm told there's a paint specialist in Denver who does wonderful work," Judy said. "I've started a GoFundMe page for Mr. Murphy." "That's a excellent idea," Lula said. "I hear those pages rake in big bucks. And they got a good variety of weed in Denver, too.

I was listening to you the whole time. I didn't trust you to hang on to the earbud, so I had a mini-microphone sewn into your shirt. It's just under the rolled hem on the neckline." I glanced at it. "I thought it was just another rhinestone.

I'd take the flu over the funeral any day of the week.

Someday you'll be old, and you won't want sex anymore, but you'll always want food.

Connie is in her midthirties and lives with her widowed mother. The living arrangement isn't ideal for Connie, but she's a good Italian Catholic girl and family takes care of family.

Bummer," Glo said. "Do you want me to say some words? I'm an ordained minister. I even have a certificate." "What church?" I asked her. "The Church of the Barley Goddess." "I don't think that's a real church." "They have a website," Glo said. "The World Wide Web wouldn't allow them on there if they weren't real.

Never leave cubby. Work appears when cubby is left unattended.

When you live in Jersey a beach isn't enough. People have energy in Jersey. They need things to do. They need a beach with a boardwalk. And the boardwalk has to be filled with rides and games and crappy food. Add some miniature golf. Throw in a bunch of stores selling T-shirts with offensive pictures. Life doesn't get much better than this.

Grandma Mazur reads the obituary columns like they're part of the paper's entertainment section. Other communities have country clubs and fraternal orders. The Burg has funeral parlors. If people stopped dying, the social life of the Burg would come to a grinding halt.

She looked like the senior version of an inflatable sex toy doll that needed more air.

the RV. "Was that your father's too?" she asked as they drove past the motorhome. "It's Vernon's. Aunt Myra's son. My father wouldn't have been caught dead in one of those. So, naturally, he was." "Pardon?

No way," she said. "The lid was already up." "Did you stick the dead guy with a pin to make sure he was dead?" "I didn't do that either. And I only did that once

opened in 1874.

What's up?" I asked my mother. "I just got fourteen phone calls about someone hitting Joseph's Grandma Bella in the face with a chocolate cream pie when she was walking out of the funeral home. They said she was going out the side door for some reason, and someone came out of nowhere and hit her with the pie." "Did they know who did it?" Grandma asked. "Bella said it was you.