Quotes from Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good book. Or a friend who's read one.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

I don't know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I have a driving tip for you: Never hit the lead car in a funeral. I have never seen that many people in that bad a mood.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Some people might say, "Who would want to be 90?" And I say, Anyone who is 89.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.