Quotes from Phyllis Diller

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.