Quotes from Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 months telling them to sit down and be quiet.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.