Quotes from Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Look at Bob Hope. Look at Milton Berle, George Burns. Look how long they lived. Seeing the funny side of things keeps you alive.

Comradeship arises from the mirrorage stage of vortex void into symbolic self.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

Money's scarce Times are hard Here's your fucking Xmas card

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.

A smile is a curve that sets things right.