Quotes from Phyllis Diller

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.