Quotes from Phyllis Diller

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.