Quotes from Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!