Quotes from Phyllis Diller

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.