Quotes from Jon Stewart

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, f**k it.

If your world does not include enough access to different people, and their world does not include enough access to you, you are speaking from ignorance.

In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it?

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they man.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it's not politics — and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy — but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, 'That's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?' But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey.

Race is there. You're tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it.

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have "traffic lights." We're sorry. The government's not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods.

Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing.

It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason.

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.

Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee Operation Masturbate.

And this, this, is their genius. Conservatives are not looking to make education more rigorous and informative, or science more empirical or verifiable, or voting more representative, or the government more efficient or effective. They just want all those things to reinforce their partisan, ideological, conservative viewpoint.

Classroom Activities 1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas . Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia !

A Trump was a demon who sometimes appeared to us in quasi-human form in order to fire us from jobs we never wanted in the first place.

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.

It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public.

People that worry about where they think they're going next generally don't end up where they think they're going. I just worry about what I'm doing now and try to make it good. When you've got too much of a master plan, it's going to fail.

Of course these minimum life requirements don't fully address what it means to be alive. For even beyond all the metabolic processes, there was also an intangible essence separating the living from the not. Call it a soul, or just a need we had. Every living thing possessed a certain energy or life-force that infused even the unicellular among us.