Quotes from Jon Stewart

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up?

Technology. It's like science, only useless.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life.

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

The President says, "We are in the fight for a way of life. This is the greatest battle of our generation, and of the generations to come."

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

The important thing is, that I guess I don't spend any time thinking about what I am or what we do means. I spend my time doing it.

The unfortunate, truly exciting thing about your life is that there is no core curriculum. . . . So don't worry about your grade or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you.

December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day.

The KKK adopted a highway. The joke is on them: It's black.

According to some commercials, driving an SUV means you support terrorists. The answer is the hybrid gas-electric car, which only supports terrorists when going uphill.

My wife works at an animal rescue place. So at home we now have a dog with two anuses and a half a dachshund.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.