Quotes from Jon Stewart

It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.

Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don't like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

[Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit.

It's like hunting cows

There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy.

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".