Quotes from Jon Stewart

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don't like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.

So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

I think, with the administration they do Constitutionally-mandated things most of the time, but they don't - they fulfill the letter of their obligation to checks and balances, but not the intent.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.