Quotes from Jon Stewart

Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not divisive. Those fighting to keep those people out - are.

I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.

Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit.

Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.

Politicans] are salespeople. Instead of rotisserie ovens they are selling this idea of preemptive war or social-security reforms.

You spent so much time being a hostess you forgot to be a woman. And now the time is right for making love, but your vagina is a mess. I've been there... and it's not a good thing. You have got to remember Party Rule #1: There is no party as important as the party you're about to throw in your vagina. -- Jon Stewart, Martha Stewart's Vagina

So what was work? Tasks we performed for compensation in the service of an employer, be it an individual or a corporate entity. And yes, it was as exciting as it sounds. We didn't want to work. In fact, that's about as good a definition of work as you could have: that which we didn't want to do, but had to if we didn't want to eat dirt.

The best defense against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

The enemy is noise. The goal is clarity.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

I think the main thing that has to end is men's defensiveness.

Here it is. My moment of zen.

How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won't. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.

Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.

I don't think politics is any longer about a conversation with the country.

I feel like [God]'s hazing us.