Quotes from Jon Stewart

News used to hold itself to a higher plane, and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2 000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the macarena.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

Here it is… your moment of Zen.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

Here's how bizarre the war is that we're in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn't want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.