Quotes from Jon Stewart

We have standards. Anybody with the kind of journalism experience and professionalism that you have displayed over these years can not work for my program.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay.

I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.

Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it.

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'

Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious!

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on Friends is.

Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not divisive.Those fighting to keep those people out - are.

The Republicans are calling the Democrats' plan to have a deadline for US troop withdrawal from Iraq an 'admission of failure', as opposed to the Republican plan which is 'failure without admission'.

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain