Quotes from Chris Rock

The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much.

It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don't have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.

I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.

Pretty girls have problems too.

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

An entertainer's reputation as a live act is the most valuable thing he or she can have. If people know you give good shows, you'll never be broke for the rest of your life.

When you've been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you're just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium.