Quotes from Chris Rock

I'd like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

A black man will be elected President of the United States. I'm sorry, that's in the year 10,000.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra anything but another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof!

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Women need food, water, and complimentsThat's right.And an occasional pair of shoes.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.

The only plan I have is to not do anything I don't want to do - and to never work just for money.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

When I started out in comedy, it was common knowledge that it took about 10 years to get good. And that was okay because it took you about 9 years to get on television.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'

Black crime tends to be stupid, not crazy.When you hear on the news that somebody chopped off his girlfriend's head, drank her blood, and used her toes to play pool, chances are it was a white guy. An old lady kicked downstairs for her welfare check? A black guy. Someone cut out the old lady's eyes and used them as knickknacks? Definitely a white guy.