Quotes from Chris Rock

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

ALL THOSE GOOD COPS YALL LOVE BRINGING UP WHEN YOU SAY NOT ALL COPS ARE BAD SEEM TO NEVER BE AROUND WHEN THEIR COMRADES ARE KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE

90% of U.S. mass shootings are committed by white people aged 14-56. For some reason I've never ONCE heard a white person called a terrorist.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.

Only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally whereas men are loved conditionally (, - and that's not right.)

Doing something really profound and personal is bigger than a fad. It's not some passing fancy. It's always number one.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

A man is only as faithful as his options

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. "I'm conservative", "I'm liberal", "I'm conservative". Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!

It's important for men to get your money right. Women, it's important for you to get your money right, but it's not as important for you as it is for us. Why women? Cause no one will ever not fuck you cause you're broke. Your pussy will never be turned down for financial reason. It ain't gonna happen. That's right, pussy is like Visa, accepted everywhere.

Women don't like nice guys. Say they do, don't. They got to have an asshole first. Every woman goes through her asshole phase.

Only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.

I'd always end up broken down on the highway. When I stood there trying to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But when I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself- people like to see that.

You know what a platonic friend is to a woman? It's like a dick in a glass case. In case of emergency break open glass.