Quotes from Chris Rock

Guys, never ask a woman how many men she slept with, cause you don't wanna know. Just be happy you're fucking her now.

You ask a woman how many guys she fucked, she's not gonna tell you how many guys she fucked. She'll tell you how many boyfriends she had. Cause women only count their boyfriends. That's right, they don't count those miscellaneous dicks they had.

Men don't have platonic friends, okay? We just have women we haven't fucked yet.

A man is basically as faithful as his options. That's how faithful a man is, no more, no less.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

Women need food, water, and compliments That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

You don't need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.