Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.