Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.