Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I mean, I'm not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven't gone today yet.

I told my doctor, "Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

My doctor's a very strange man. I said to him, "Doc, what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?" He told me, "The taste.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

I was always depressed, but I could tell a joke and get a laugh. But not from my mother. She never thought my jokes were funny.

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I'm gonna run away from home. She said, "On your mark…

This is from an Indian comedian named Charlie Hill: "They say Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean. My people were living here for hundreds and hundreds of years. We never noticed it? "One day the chief took his son to the top of a mountain. As they looked out over the hills and valleys, he spread his arms wide and said, 'Son, someday none of this will be yours.

I tell ya one thing about me. I say "No" to drugs. When people ask me for some of my drugs, I say "No.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can't find him. I don't know what he looks like.

The toughest club I worked was owned by a guy named Nunzio. Man, he was tough. One day he said to me, "Kid, you wanna go hunting?" I said, "Okay, I'm game." And he shot me.

The other night, I had a date with a manicurist. We went to a nightclub. We started to hold hands. And while she was holding my hand, she took my other hand and put it in my drink.

I told my psychiatrist, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they're the last ones to know about it.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I asked my wife, "Last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping.