Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up.

Just remember: It's lonely at the top, when there's no one on the bottom.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

You know you're getting old; there are certain signs. I walked past a cemetery, and two guys ran after me with shovels.

I don't get no respect. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I asked him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."

My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I'm so ugly, as a kid, I once stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I don't get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the seesaw. I had to keep running from one end to the other.

I don't get no respect. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

For my birthday, my old man showed me a picture of a cake. I sat there all day trying to blow out the candles.

What a childhood! I was breast-fed by my father.

Last Christmas, I got no respect. In my stocking I got an Odor-Eater.

I had no luck with dating. My big thrill was self-inflicted hickies.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I can't get no respect.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.