Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I have three kids, one of each.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I was a poster child... for birth control!

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.