Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

What a doctor I've got—he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!