Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5, 000 dollars or your back

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.