Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.