Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

My wife gives good headache.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!