Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't met me yet

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.