Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

The day my wife and I got married—that was a beauty. I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger.

Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor—it was self-service.

With my ol' man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don't make it.

We were poor. We were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. There was nobody home.

I told my dentist my teeth were all getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

I was an ugly kid. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he'll say, 'Take a hit. You'll feel like a new man.' He's right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you're broke.

I tell ya one thing, my wife keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are ahead of me.

A belly button is good for only one thing: when you're lying in bed eating celery, it's a place to put the salt.

I tell ya, I know I'm ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I'm at the age now, when I meet a woman sixty years old, she's too young for me.

I told my doctor, "I think my wife has VD." He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.