Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.