Quotes from Henny Youngman

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"