Quotes from Henny Youngman

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

"The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret."

If at first you don't succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

Jury: A group of twelve people selected to decide who has the better lawyer.

I'm so old that when I order a three-minute egg they make me pay up front.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.