Quotes from Henny Youngman

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

I own 150 books, but I have no bookcase. Because nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I walked into a store and said, "It's my wife's birthday. I'd like to buy her a beautiful pen." The clerk winked at me and said, "A little surprise, heh?" I said, "Yes, she's expecting a Cadillac."

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

I took my car down to see what I could get for it on a trade-in. The dealer took a look at it and offered me a ballpoint pen.

Faculty: The people who get what's left after the football coach receives his salary.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside."

I know a guy who had his nose broken in two places. He ought to stay out of those places.

I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?